why do cancelled plans feel so good?

generation flaky

I’m Tuğba, a Turkish-Greek artist living in Berlin - as slow as possible is a newsletter exploring the in-between spaces of our lives that we see but often do not notice. Interested in reading more of my work?

“In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin.” John Mulaney

The thrill I experience when plans get cancelled is a bit concerning! It's almost like I'm actually secretly hoping the other person will cancel while I'm making plans! Eeekkk.

I don’t cancel plans myself very often unless I’m sick. Once I’ve committed to something, I usually always follow through but I tend to engage in negative self-talk on the day of the plan and even the night before.

“I don’t want to go.”

“I wish I could stay at home.”

“I hope the plan gets cancelled.”

“I can’t be assed.”

*Me making one million scenarios in my head of things I could do if I could stay home.*

*Me dreaming of a miracle happening and the plan getting cancelled*

I’ve been aware of this negative self-talk for a while and I don’t like it. But my not liking it brings even more negative self-talk:

You should be happy and grateful 

• that you can do all these things

• that you have a healthy body

• that you have so many friends

• that you’re able to afford to do things

The list goes on and on.

I’m not the only one who revels in the secret joy of cancelled plans, it seems– the internet is brimming with hilarious memes about this universal experience. Back in my active Instagram days, I used to love sharing these memes with friends and bonding over the joy of cancelled plans.

A quick dive into Reddit only reinforced this communal sentiment, I found countless posts of people gleefully celebrating cancelled plans and brainstorming the best excuses to bail out of something.

Last week, I attended another six-day meditation retreat with my favourite teacher. During the evening sessions, we had the opportunity to ask questions. I raised my hand and expressed my concern:

“95% of my thoughts in meditation are focused on the future. I’m constantly planning and have numerous to-do lists in my head. I also engage in negative self-talk, often feeling resistant to doing things and instead wanting to stay home.”

My teacher’s response was: 

“Embrace doing less with willingness rather than burdening yourself with too much unwillingly.”

As simple as that!

The words struck a chord with me. It was a sudden realization that the negative self-talk I’ve been experiencing is a direct result of pushing myself too hard, especially now that summer is in full swing; I seem to be determined to seize every moment and relish every experience that comes my way.

This means I often say yes to things out of guilt, like when a friend asks me for the third time if I want to meet. I’m also not that good at setting my boundaries when it comes to time management.

Since the pandemic, I’ve made some changes and cut down on my social activities. I realised that it’s actually okay to see some friends only at parties or birthdays, even if it’s a couple of times a year. During the pandemic, I came to terms with the fact that I’m a social introvert. I need a lot of alone time to recharge my batteries. 

The main issue is that we’ve become too casual about making and cancelling plans, all thanks to the convenience of technology. It’s so easy to say yes to anything that comes our way with a quick message on WhatsApp, not really considering if we have the energy for it. On the other hand, it’s just as easy to bail on someone, avoiding any real consequences and dodging the disappointment we might cause. 

But what about those of us who struggle with the guilt of cancelling plans? Well… we end up forcing ourselves to go through the motions, battling our resistance and negative thoughts, feeling constantly drained and only half-heartedly enjoying what we’re doing.

I seem to be overly optimistic about what I can achieve in a day, leading me to over-plan without considering past experience. I can’t help but think that social media also plays a role in this. We’re constantly bombarded with photos and videos of people doing exciting things—travelling, attending concerts, learning new skills, and partying—it's hard not to get caught up in the whirlwind. 

*blames it all on the internet*

Our societal obsession with the capitalist ideals of “productivity” and the relentless expectation that time must be used in a “productive,” “fruitful” manner is maddening. I keep falling for it, over and over again.

In truth, I need to ask myself more regularly, "What's my physical, mental, and energetic capacity right now?" As an introvert and a highly sensitive person, it's crucial for me to be alert to my energy levels. For instance, I've learned that Friday evenings are my time to recharge and on Mondays, I like to ease into the week after a busy weekend - slow and with no evening plans.

Every "yes" to something is a "no" to something else and in many cases, it is a ‘no’ to our well-being if we don’t honour our boundaries, the boundaries that allow our inner world to unfold. 

I’m striving to balance being a “human doing” with a “human being”. Therefore, prioritising periods of rest and openness for my body, mind, and soul is crucial. Following the retreat, I feel empowered to break free from the cycle of overcommitment. Instead of filling every moment of every day, I want to take a more realistic approach and value my energy, honouring the experiences that open up when you don’t have any plans!  

If you have any funny cancelled plan memes, tips and tricks, send them my way!

Take care!

Your friend Tuğba