👻 the digital ghost: why your casual hookup still haunts your feed

the endless cycle of watching the stories of people we no longer know

I’m Tuğba, a Turkish-Greek artist living in Berlin — as slow as possible is a newsletter exploring the in-between spaces of our lives that we see but often do not notice. Interested in reading more of my work?

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I glance at the time and realise—I'm late again. The air is thick with warmth, and the streets are alive with people escaping the stuffy tube after a long day’s work, eager to soak in the beauty of a summer evening in London. As I rush out of the station in Hackney, heels clicking against the pavement, I weave through the crowds towards the pub where we agreed to meet.

The streets are buzzing. I feel a mix of nervous anticipation and excitement. Our Tinder chat has been cute, and his photos? Hot. My heart pounds as I approach the pub, scanning the room, trying to match faces to pictures. Then, I see him—a handsome man waving at me. It’s him. Even hotter in person, tall with a beautiful smile. I walk toward him, we greet, and our hug is light but warm. Within minutes, my nerves melt away. We chat as if we've known each other forever. Instant connection. Jackpot. Your girl is definitely having sex tonight.

As the drinks flow, so does the flirting. It’s a Friday night, and when he asks if I want to come back to his, I flash him an endearing smile and say yes. His place isn’t far. As we leave the pub, he grabs my hand and, in one of the alleyways, pulls me in for a kiss. The chemistry is electric. After kissing passionately for some time, I gently push him away—just enough to signal that we should keep moving.

When we reach his front door, he hesitates. “Just so you know,” he says, “I live with my housemate, and she’s really sensitive to noise, so we have to be super quiet.”

I pause. Great, I think! A red flag? Maybe. But let’s be real—finding a guy in his early 30s who isn’t still in a houseshare in London? Nearly impossible.

Once we’re in his room, his obsession with keeping quiet becomes borderline ridiculous. At some point, it stops being sexy and starts making me wonder—does he have something to hide?

The next morning, we grab coffee, connect on Facebook (yes, that was still a thing back then), and he walks me to the station. We message a couple of times but never meet again. Eventually, the conversation fades, but that’s fine. I’m in my casual hookup era, fresh out of a nine-year relationship. The last thing I want is commitment. Starved for flirting, for kisses, for endless casual sex.

When Your Past Lingers in Your Feed

Fast forward ten years.

We’re still Facebook friends. He moved abroad, got married, and now has two kids. Every so often, his life pops up in my feed—beach holidays, ice cream with the family, heartfelt posts about his wife. A man I spent a single night with is now permanently woven into the fabric of my digital world. And he’s just one of many.

It’s not just Facebook. It’s Instagram. LinkedIn, even.

Some were one-night stands. Others lasted three dates. A few stretched to a couple of months, but they were all casual and meant to be fleeting. And yet, thanks to social media, they linger. They like my stories occasionally. I like theirs. We never message, never properly catch up, yet we remain in each other’s orbit like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

For years, I never questioned it. I grew up in the era of dating apps and social media—it was just how things were. But then, last week, another photo of please-be-super-quiet hookup guy appeared on my feed, and I found myself asking: Why am I still doing this?

I don’t care about this man anymore, yet here I am, scrolling through photos of his family, reminded of a hookup I’d intended to be a one-off. Why do I let people who no longer matter take up space in my life?

I sat with that thought for a while and realised—it’s not just hookups. We do this with all kinds of people. Old colleagues, distant acquaintances, even strangers we met on holiday. We keep them in our digital lives, not because we truly care, but because we fear confrontation, crave validation, and prefer passive connection over definitive endings.

So we watch their stories, year after year. Sometimes, we get angry. Sometimes, we get jealous. Most of the time, we don’t care at all. Yet they still occupy a corner of our mental and emotional space.

Social Media Has Redefined Closure

Social media has completely changed the concept of closure. A fleeting connection is rarely just fleeting anymore. Once upon a time, a casual hookup meant spending a night together, parting ways, and never thinking about them again. Now? They might still be liking your posts, watching your stories, or even subtly engaging with your online presence for years. These small, seemingly insignificant gestures blur the lines, keeping things open-ended when they don’t need to be.

Carissa Potter

We need to normalise not following people after brief encounters. And for the ones already on our feeds? Unfollow or mute, which can be a great middle ground. When I broke up with my ex, I muted him. Not because I hated him, but because I didn’t want social media to tether me to something that no longer served me.

I want to be intentional with my digital space. I want to curate my digital space as carefully as I curate my real life. With algorithms already bombarding us with endless content, the last thing I need is to involuntarily invite ghosts of the past into my present. Unfollowing is a subtle way to set boundaries, redefine connections, or quietly reshape your digital space.

Some might call it creating a bubble. I call it protecting my peace.

Unfollow, unsubscribe, curate.

Take care!

Your friend Tuğba

P.S. If you enjoy my work, the best way to support it is by restacking 🔄 It’s quick, effortless, and helps my words reach more hearts and minds. Thanks for being part of this journey—I’m grateful for you 🖤

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P.P.S: Had my first reader meet-up 🥹🫶🏼 If you ever get an email from me in the future, don’t panic—it’s not a scam, just me wanting to connect! I’m planning to do more of these whenever I travel because, honestly, finding people to nerd out with over shared passions? Absolutely priceless.

Speaking of connections, my recent meet-up left me so inspired that I want to make this a regular thing even without travels! Starting in April, I’ll be hosting a couple of virtual coffee catch-ups each month—because why limit great conversations to just the comments? I’ll share more details in my next post, but for now… who’s in? ☕🙋🏻‍♀️