my take on attachement

the fine line between loving and loosing yourself

I’m Tuğba, a Turkish-Greek artist living in Berlin - as slow as possible is a newsletter exploring the in-between spaces of our lives that we see but often do not notice. Interested in reading more of my work?

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A couple of years ago, reading this quote would have triggered and confused me. I remember in the early stages of therapy, when we talked about how it is possible to love and care about a person, a job, or a passion without being unhealthily attached, I would usually go blank. I couldn’t wrap my head around distinguishing attachment from non-attachment. In my world, there was only love and obsessing—wanting. Wishing that things would last forever and people would be forever mine.

As I got older, I experienced more endings. Things that I had expected to last a lifetime - relationships, jobs, and homes all came to an end. When I lived in London, I had always assumed I would stay there forever because I loved the city so much. However, one day, even that ended. I was devastated, even though it was a conscious decision I had made and wanted. Each ending left me feeling like a mess and though I eventually moved on, it left wounds.

Eight years ago, I attended my first meditation retreat in Thailand at a Temple in Chiang Mai. There, I came across a quote by the Buddha:

“The root of suffering is attachment.”

It made sense intellectually, but I struggled to apply it to my daily life. Over the years, I’ve come to see that even when something makes sense intellectually, it still takes a long time and a lot of work to translate into our emotional reality and direct experience in any meaningful way.

A couple of months ago, something happened at work that could have messed me up in the past. While it affected me and made me sad, I felt surprisingly grounded. I questioned myself about what was different and why this situation hadn’t impacted me as much as it would have in the past. I realised that I do care about my work, but I’m not as attached to it in an unhealthy way as I used to be. Work no longer carries the heavy burden of being my sole purpose in life. I don’t identify with it as much as I once did.

"Attachment is the emotional dependence we put on things, or people, with some degree of our survival interwoven into the precious thing we hold so dear.”

Thich Nhat Than

My job, creative work, family, friends, and material possessions all enrich my life in beautiful ways, but I’m also working on being more open to change and one day losing what I love without losing my love for them.

And no, of course, we are not robots. We are human. It’s normal to get attached to something that brings us joy and meaning, just as it’s natural for us to form attachments to aspects of our identity that bring us pride. But there is a way we can live a happy life without allowing these things to consume and overwhelm us. 

There is great power in accepting that the highs and lows in our lives are all temporary. Acknowledging that the good times don’t last forever can allow us to appreciate and be grateful for these happy moments and embody them fully. Similarly, remembering that difficult times don’t last forever either can give us the strength to accept what’s actually going on and stay open to life as it evolves. By learning to fully embrace experience as it comes and goes, we can practice the art of non-attachment and live more vividly.

I’m not suggesting that we disconnect from the people and things that bring joy to our lives. On the contrary, being disconnected is as unhealthy as being over-attached, maybe more so. It’s important to love and give and it’s important to know when to set boundaries when necessary. Sometimes, we need to be more involved; other times, we need space to get a better perspective. I think family provides an excellent example of this!

As someone from a Mediterranean background, family plays a vital role in my life - good and bad! I know I can always count on my family, which is beautiful, but at times it’s challenging to set boundaries and live on my own terms. When I was in my 20s, this felt like an impossible task, but it has become a bit easier these days. I love my family dearly, but I also value my own journey and growth as an individual. While my family and I are connected, we are not a single entity. Sometimes we work as a team, but there are other times when I need to do what’s best for me.

For me, the crux of the question is this: is our sense of self and well-being overly reliant on our job, status, family or even creative work?

I keep thinking of a nice hug. A hug that’s too tight can make us feel suffocated, while a hug that’s too loose can make us feel disconnected. The right amount of contact makes us feel truly connected,  which is what we all want in life at some level, to know others and to be known. It’s about finding that balance when engaging with our family, friends, job, and creative work - connected but not entangled.

Take care!

Your friend Tuğba

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🎙️ 💬 Podcasts, interviews, and other beautiful collaborations:

• I recently had the pleasure of recording a podcast with the wonderful Bianca Morra. Despite never having met in person, she stumbled upon my Substack, reached out to me, and from there, our conversation blossomed into a delightful conversation. Chatting with Bianca was an absolute joy! On that note, your girl needs to get a microphone for future podcasts 🥲

• My interview with Caro

  Was braucht eine wohltuende und gerechte Gesellschaft?

• My first podcast was with my former colleague Stefanos Korakas a couple of years ago. I don’t think I ever shared it here!

• I did a beautiful collaboration with Lauren Sauder last year.