feelings of winter
It snowed heavily in Berlin this winter, covering the city in white for days. When the first snow fell, I was in my usual hurry to get to an appointment until I realised there was no way I could cycle. I would have to take my time to walk safely and slowly. Slowly has been the guiding word this winter, but it's not been easy to adjust to. This winter has been tough for me. I've been trying to slow down, but my body has been demanding more and more. As a result, I got sick more often than usual and have been feeling constantly exhausted. On top of that, I've also felt guilty for not dedicating enough time to my creative practice in recent weeks and months.
When I close my eyes, I can visualise this conflict between my body and mind. On one side, my body craves more rest, while on the other, my mind urges me to work harder. I know, of course, that the inner struggle will only lead to more friction and guilt. It would be much easier if my body and mind could work together harmoniously, like a beautiful dance. Unfortunately, it feels more like an awkward dance with my body and mind out of sync yet still intricately connected.
I’m happy that I am fully aware of these things, although, most of the time, I still struggle to move from awareness to acceptance to alignment with myself. Theoretically, it should be easy; I just need to listen to my body. However, listening to our bodies has become increasingly difficult in our society. I’m constantly exposed to other amazing writers and artists who consistently create and share their work with the world, day in and day out. Wherever I am on the internet, there are endless reads on how to be more productive and consistent in our work. I sometimes wonder how I can listen to my body with so much pressure, comparison, and guilt.
Guilty that I’m not creating enough. Guilty that I’m not sharing enough. Guilty that I’m not productive enough. Guilty of being too slow, too tired, and too fragile.
Today, I took a deep breath to reflect and observe my feelings and experiences. Recently, I read a post by
with the headline 'Writing is healing'. This is precisely how I feel writing these words - healing. Moreover, I realised that life is like a dance, with one step forward and two steps backwards. It is a constant trial and error to feel more balanced and in tune with ourselves. It is about reducing the friction between our mind and body, between what we 'should' and what we 'want' to do. It is an interplay!
I recently listened to a podcast by
hosting , who spoke about her latest book, A Year in Practice. The book discusses seasonal rituals that can help awaken cycles of creative expression. While I have only read through the winter section of the book, the podcast and the book both discuss the relationship between winter and creativity. It made me realise that winter brings out a different kind of creativity in us. Comparing my creative energy during the winter months to how I felt during the summer months is not a healthy way to approach things.Winter may not be the most productive time for me, but it's when I can focus more on my inner self and restore my energy. This helps me to be creative in a different way when spring comes. During winter, I tend to dream and connect more than act. Ultimately, creativity at its most basic level is recycling ideas, thoughts, and experiences, trying to connect the dots, and making something unique by finding ways to express it. Winter is a good time to look inward, reflect and assess all these different experiences, thoughts and ideas.
book held a sentence that instantly made me reflect.Think back on previous Winters in your life and consider what you have learned.
I chuckled a little bit when I read this sentence. It made me realise that I learned many things during previous winters. However, I still struggle to shift from a state of full energy and creativity to a more introspective and restful phase. I often struggle to find a balance between my social obligations and the need to spend more time at home and rest. Instead of accepting things as they are, I tend to push forward and live in denial. Although I am a good dancer, I still require a gentle reminder of how to dance through life’s different seasons.
Your friend Tuğba
Enjoyed reading this:) I feel the same way, I was just writing about the desire to write like a machine….but machines aren’t inspired to create, they just do what they’re programmed to do…and so I’m better off a sensitive artist who likes her naps😸😸
Loved your words - I hope as spring eases in now it brings more energy for you 😊 I’ve also found this winter hard, almost endless at points, and very relieved to see some sun again now! Thank you for the links, the podcast and book sound really great, and beautiful colours in your work 🩵