pls don't act your age

age verification failed, proceed anyway

I’m Tuğba, a Greek-Turkish artist living in Berlin - as slow as possible is a newsletter exploring the in-between spaces of our lives that we see but often do not notice. Interested in reading more of my work?

---

I ended my 9-year relationship just before I turned 30. It was one of the toughest years of my life, but also the year I started reliving my 20s. Yes, you read it right, my 20s. I was 21 when I met my ex, and, like many, I never learnt how to be in a healthy relationship, let alone how to continue growing as an individual while being in a relationship. I’m not sure; maybe it is too much to ask from a 20-year-old. When I look around, even people double that age seem like they haven’t figured it out out. Being independent and living your own life while being in a healthy relationship is an impossible task for many of us. So, I did what many people do: I fully embraced being in a relationship and totally forgot to live my 20s.

All my 30s felt like catching up on a life most people live in their 20s. A lot of partying, festivals, travelling, casual hook-ups, crazy adventures with friends, backpacking through Asia, moving to a totally new city. When a lot of my friends in my hometown were already married and planning their second child, I was out there doing what I wanted to do and not acting my age.

In hindsight, that decision to “catch up my 20s” is probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. Otherwise, I would probably have ended up resenting my ex and our relationship. It didn’t take long post-breakup for me to start jumping straight into every experience that sounded mildly interesting and silly. I screamed to life, “YESSS PLEASE.”

This year, I turned 41, and, after a mild midlife crisis at 39, I feel like I have arrived somewhere. I honestly don’t know where, but somewhere chill and cool. I think part of me realised, “Hey, I didn’t act my age in my 30s, so who says I need to act my age in my 40s.”

Theoretically, no one sets the rules, but to a certain extent, society demands we “act our age”.

“Act your age.” What does that even mean?

How is a 41-year-old woman supposed to act? I am yet to find the answer, but deep down, I think there is no answer, as a lot of what society tells us about ageing is pretty skewed.

One reason I love Berlin is that age does not matter in clubs. In one night, you could befriend a 20-year-old and a 60-year-old. A couple of years ago, at Berghain, the famous techno club, I met a man in his late sixties at the bar. His wife had died. He had not left the house for months.

“One morning, I decided to do something crazy,” he told me. He looked up Berghain, wore all black and made his way to the club. “Now I come often to dance, meet a few people, drink my apple juice, and go home by early evening,” he was telling me.

He did not have a smartphone. He gave me his landline. I realised I admired him because he refused the script. Even I, who had spent my 30s ignoring mine, still carried an expectation of how a man his age should behave.

This year, I’m again embracing not acting my age. I’m changing my language from “Oh my, I’m now in my 40s” to “I’m only 41, I’m so young.” From “Oh my, I may go into perimenopause in a couple of years and my libido will go down the drain” to “I’m young and horny.” From “I’m now in my 40s and I cannot give up all my friends and move to a new city again” to “I’m young, I can live anywhere I want and make other new, beautiful friends in that city.”

A few years ago, I read David Sinclair’s Why We Age and Why We Do Not Have To. He does not begin the book with pills or protocols. He begins with curiosity! We lose curiosity and with it the zest for life, aka Lebensfreude. One of my favourite German words. Curiosity has always been a red thread in my life, but in the last couple of years, I let it take over my life fully. Very often, I have days when I feel like a child again and I love it.

So, I’m begging you: don’t act like your age.

Change the way you speak about ageing. Remember that at 70, you will look back at 50 and envy how young you were. Life can be heavy, so meet it with curiosity and awe.

You are not too old. Write your first book. Start the hobby you have always wanted to try. Leave the job that drains you. Go back to university. Become an artist if that has been your lifelong dream. Run a marathon. Move to a new country. Fall in love again and again. Do, feel, see what you have always wanted—no matter your age. Even if some things need adjusting because bodies change, that does not mean you should abandon your dreams.

Take care!

Your friend Tuğba

P.S.: If this piece resonated with you, here’s how you can support my work:

→ Hit the Restack button 🔄 - it helps my words reach more hearts and minds on Substack.

→ Share it with friends and family 🫶🏼 - forward this email or drop the link in your group chats.

It only takes a few seconds, but it makes a huge difference. Thank you so much for being here.